Pace my egg sir, Pace my egg!

Cast:
The tosser TOS
Prince George (who has no trousers) GE
Robin of the hood HD
Admiral Lord Nelson NE
Molly (the mule head & nelson’s daughter) MO
The Doctor DOC

TOS:
A rub dub dub, well hosted locals well drunken hosts well hosted drunks rouse yourself a-from your bunks for when the bell begins to wail it’s time for us to start our tale
lean in deep into the fray and listen to our sacred play please! Step in prince George and lead the way!

GE:
In comes I, Prince George! I’ve got three crowns, I’ve got three ships I’ve got three bags of salty chips! I wear this crown upon my head So others know that I’m not dead

TOS:
A likelier tale you’ll not find near and so to our prince we raise a cheer he’s doubtlessly a fine marauder a warrior king of top class order

GEO:
I’ll take on any man times three I’ll take the ruler of the sea!

TOS:
Lord-Admiral-Nelson is surely our man He’ll stop this play going all down the pan!

NE: (optional)
Enter I! Bang wallop! Pull down the main brace! Hang loose the gibbet gauge! Draft up the main plank! And order me an extra pint of milk!
In comes I the lord of the sea top of the top at the ad-mir-al-ty fetch me a man with the heart of five lions and I’ll see to it sharp that I clap him in irons!

GE: (to tosspot but facing nelson):
Is this it sir? My heart you’ve done harm by sending a man with only one arm!

NE: (to tosspot but facing george):
He’s got a loud mouth and a challenging look but I’ve no other choice but to sling him his hook!

TOS: (exasperated to the crowd):
Now here is our georgy all ready to duel but admiral lord nelson is nobody’s fool I have no further choice but to call molly mule!

MO: (enters and horses around George looks her up and down)
Neigh! Neigh!

GE:
my word, there goes by a fine looking mare with her tail so long and her canter so fair I’ll ask her forthwith to be my good wife and with her we’ll live a most fulfilled life!
Tell me do you love me my pretty fair maid?

MO:
Yes Georgy, to my sorrow

GE:
And when shall be our wedding day?

MO:
Georgy dear, tomorrow!

NE:
Good god man! That’s my only daughter! I’ll not have her taken like a horse to the slaughter I’ll not have this braggart act without reason to take my ass up her ass before she is seasoned
I have no choice but to withdraw my sword and challenge you sir to put you faith in the lord

GE:
So be it! To the death! Huzzah!

Fight scene

NE: Pace my egg sir! Pace my egg!

GE:
Chase me! Chase me!
George kills nelson & stands with one foot on his chest

GE:
Another win, for this good king, let it be known, within this ring, that now I’ve took another life, it’s off-to-the-stables to find me wife!

MO:
Oh George, Oh George! My noble king, This is a most disastrous thing For while I prize your glowing eyes My father lays beneath your thighs!

TOS:
call a doctor, call a quack to cure this man of his attack

HD:
will any man do? For in comes I old robin hood I left my men in Sherwood wood from the rich I rob and pillage and deliver-the-funds back into-the-village I now to my woe, I must confess I’m working on the NHS

TOS:
are you a doctor?

DOC:
no, but I cured one once TOS:
What will you come for? 5 toothbrushes?

DOC:
Never!

NE:
5 ping pong balls?

DOC:
(shakes his head) uh uh

TOS:
will you come for any pay at all?

DOC:
I swallowed my old grandmother's donkey and cart once and couldn't digest the wheels.

TOS:
and so how came you to be a doctor?

DOC:
by my travels. Hips, pips, palsy and gout, pains within and pains without, if the devil’s within, I’ll have him out. Why I once cured a magpie of the toothache.

TOS:
how did you do that?

DOC:
I cut off it’s head and threw it in a ditch.

NE:
It’s all over!

TOS:
good sir, kind sir, would you refrain? do tell me how this man was slain

HD:
(to nelson) I heard through my travels that you bore a fair child whose manners are sweet and temper so mild

NE: not another one, well... so be it, pray hood take my child save me from this godforsaken pestilence

HD:
but which one is she?

NE:
for a man who seeks out love not coins forget you heart and follow your loins!

HD: (to George) I see her now, she’s a fine delight with ample breasts and eyes a bright tell me dear, I’ll ask discreetly is that a sword, or are ya pleased to see me?

NE:
That’s not my child! (Leaps up) Look at it, it’s not a bit like me!

HD:
Look at her nose, her eyes, her head she’s as much like you as can be said!

NE:
fool that I am! EV:
fool that you are! (Nelson gets pushed down again)

HD:
(to george) come my pretty, forget this horse my merry man awaits his course!

GE:
(to Molly) come my darling let us make our escape we’ll ride out to the fields laid yellow with rape

MO:
we’ll ride out to the fields laid ready with hay and I’ll say we’ll make hay for the rest of the day!

GE:
huzzah! (Molly jumps on George’s back and they trot off)

HD:
come back, I love you

TOS:
it’s no good for now hood they’ve made their elope now let’s get him up stood and let’s hope that you cope

HD:
here my good sea captain drink of this luck the blessed ale of friar tuck

DOC:
(takes ale off hood) fear not good people, do not dismay (to audience) for I’ll raise Nelson’s Column upon this good day!

HD: pours ale down NE’s throat & other mischief

NE:
thank you kind doctor, I believe I can stand and so to our war with the king of this land don’t worry about George, fret no more harder, I’ll fetch out me brute boys, to have him join me armada!

EV
Good masters, good mistress You listened to our play remember us poor mummers A plodding through the day The day it is so very long The play so very draining Pray put your hands into your purse And yield your pence remaining!

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  The Mummers in the cumberland 
  

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  Beelzebub  
  

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  the doctor and jack having fun with a shower fitting 
  

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  Jack Finney showing what he is made of 
  

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  a tooth not  
  

The play is from the mumming archive held by Peter Millington, of Sheffield University here.
Mumming Play from Longborough, Glos. - 1905-1906
R.J.E.Tiddy (1923) pp.180-184
90sp12ta.std
Context:
Location: Longborough, Glos., England (SP1729)
Year: Perf. 1905 or 1906
Time of Occurrence: Christmas
Collective Name: Mumming

Source:
R.J.E.Tiddy
The Mummers’ Play
Oxford, University Press, 1923, pp.180-184

Cast:
· Headman
· King of Egypt / Bold Slasher
· Turkey Champion
· Prince George
· Doctor
· Jack / Jack Finney / Mr. Finney,
· Beelzebub
· Hump-backed Jack

Headman:

Room, a room, brave gallants all, ’Tis but once that on you I do call, A room, a room a douse a douse I’ve brought me besom to sweep your house, I’ll sweep your house so clane so dace so hansom nice. Here’s a party coming here to-night So please let’um have a light. A room, a room, brave gentlemen and ladies Give me a room to sport That in this house we ma resort Resort our merry play. Step in the King of Egypt and clear the way.

King of Egypt:

I am the King of Egypt Bold Slasher is my name With sword and buckler by my side I hope to win the game.

Turkey Champion:

I am the Turkey Champion: From Turkeyland I came, I’m come to fight the English Champion, Prince George is called his name. I’ll cut him and I’ll slash him As small as little flies, I’ll send him to the cook-shop to make mince pies.

Turkey Champion:

Mince pies hot, mince pies cold, I’ll send him to the devil Till he’s nine days old.

Prince George:

I am Prince George this noble knight, I shed my blood for England’s right. Here I walk and here I stand, Here I take my sword in hand. So do to God guard your life, sir.

Turkey Champion:

What do you say to your life sir?

Prince George:

Pound of bread and cheese and a knife sir.

Turkey Champion:

We’ll have a little more satisfaction Before we die, sir.

Prince George:

All right, sir.

{The Turkish Champion strikes Prince George down}

Headman:

On this battle field Prince George was slain Rise bold fellow and fight again.

{Prince George fights and falls again.}

Headman:

Horrible, terrible, what hast thou done? Thou hast killed my only dearly beloved son Is there a doctor to be found To cure him of his deep and deadly wound?

Doctor:

Yes: here is a doctor to be found To cure him of his deep and deadly wound.

Headman:

Where does this noble doctor come from ?

Doctor:

Where the streets are pitched with penny loaves and the houses thatched with pancakes.

Headman:

Very fine place that. How much will this noble doctor come for ? come for 5 ?

Doctor:

No.

Headman:

What’ll you come for then?

Doctor:

Five pence three farthings. {To Jack Finney} Give me a leg on my horse Jack.

Jack

Get on yourself sir.

Doctor

What ’s that Jack

Jack

Butcher’s halt. {He gives the doctor a leg on.}

Doctor

Hold my horse, Jack.

Jack

Hold him yourself, sir.

Doctor

What ’s that, Jack ?

Jack

Got him fast by the tail, sir.

Doctor

Take him out and rub him down with the besom stick and sup him up with a rack-staff and get him ready gen I want him. I’m a doctor, a doctor’s good With my hand I can stop the blood I’m not one of these yer shimshams goes about to do their country harm. I does my country good. Rather kill nor cure. What’s the matter with this young man? got the toothache?

Prince George

Yes.

Doctor

How long has this tooth pained you ?

Prince George

Fortnight afore I found of it and three weeks since.

Doctor

Here young man take one of my pills - cure all ills. Hips, Pips, Palsy and Gout, Pains within and pains without. If the devil’s in this will fetch him out. Does any man do more than me ? Let Jack Finney come in and see.

{The Headman calls Jack Finney.}

Jack Finney

My name’s not Jack Finney. It’s Mr. Finney, a man of great pains, do more than you or are a man at this game. I’ll cure this man if he isn’t quite stone-dead. So I prays thee old fellow raise up thee head. I cured a magpie once of the toothache.

Headman

How did you do that ?

Jack Finney

Cut his head off and throwed his body into the ditch.

Headman

Oh you cruel barbarous fellow.

Jack Finney

I’m no cruel barbarous fellow at all. Bring me a woman as been dead ninety nine years, nine years led in her grave: I’m bound to maintain her rest part of her life.

Doctor

Allow me to draw your tooth, young man ?

Prince George

Yes.

Doctor

Fetch me my tooth-drawing tack Jack.

Jack Finney

Fetch it yourself sir. {The doctor hits Jack with a whip.}

Doctor

What’s that ?

Jack Finney

I’m going as fast as I can, sir.

Doctor

Hold me up, Jack.

Jack Finney

Tumble down if you can t stand up.

Doctor

What’s that, Jack. {Jack makes no reply. The doctor pulls the tooth out.}

Doctor

Look here, gentlemen and ladies, a tooth for a Christian. More like a camel’s tooth or an elephant’s tooth than any poor Christian’s. Carry a quart of beans twenty miles over hedges and ditches without spilling the corn. I went down a long lane, a short lane, a narrow lane, a wide lane, and I come to a house built with apple dumplings and thatched with pancakes. I knocked at the maid and the door came out. I called for a glass of bread and cheese and a crust of water. I med a bark and he dogged at me. I went to a stick and cut a hedge, fetched him a rattler on the napper and the spin did blood out.

Beelzebub

Here comes I old Beelzebub Who on my shoulder I carry my club, In me hand me dripping pan. Jukes, gentlemen and ladies, do n’t you think I’m a clever young old man. Last Christmas Eve I turned me spit, I burnt me finger and have n’t found on’t it. Spark fled over the table. Potlid whacked the ladle, lep jumps the gridiron ’What! can’t you agree? I’m the judge bring him to me.’ In runs the frying pan with his long tail and swore he’d send them all to jail.

Hump-backed Jack

Here comes I old Hump-backed Jack With me wife an family at me back. Here comes I that ’s never been in it, With my big head and little wit. My head ’s so big, me wit’s so small, I’ve brought me fiddle to please you all. My father was a shopkeeper, That you can plainly see. He left me this old tin cannister To make me a hurdy gurdy gee.

Headman

This is a case that we’ve seen before, Rise Prince George and well fight no more.

Prince George

Once I was dead and now I am alive, Blessed be the doctor who made me revive. We all shake hands, never fight no more, All be brothers as we ever was before. We wish you merry Christmas and a happy bright New Year, A pocket full of money and a cellar full of beer, And a good fat pig in the pigsty to last you all the year.

Notes:

Alfred Tuffley, who started mumming very early in life, acted in this play as late as 1905 or l906. All the performers blacked their faces. Prince George and the Turkey Champion had swords. Prince George wore a soldier’s cap. The other performers wore ribbons in front. They sang a song at the end of the performance joining hands in a ring. They called Beelzebub, on whose back the doctor came in, ’the doctor’s horse’ : but Beelzebub was also known to them as the ’old woman’ and was dressed in a frock.

File History:

07/01/1995 Scanned & OCRed by Peter Millington 12/10/1998
Encoded by Peter Millington Last generated on 06/06/02 12:14:34 by P.Millington (Peter.Millington1@virgin.net)
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